It’s been a month and 1 day since my last post.
That sounds like I am filling in a journal of an addict. I guess I could be described as an addict of some sort.
I suffer from the need to structure my life in such a way that it can neatly fit into a box. There is also a part of me that makes impulsive decisions which is devoid of all structure and thought. Recently I made a decision that can be described as both structured and impulsive at the same time.
I decided to quit my job. More importantly – I decided to quit journalism.
Am I stupid for leaving a stable job? Probably. Do I regret it? Maybe a little. Will I change my decision? Nope.
For close to 10 years journalism has been an integral part of my life. It’s actually BEEN my life. It was the only thing I knew. I didn’t understand it but I lived it.
It was probably the best and the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
It taught me how to hate, how to numb….how to feel. This is quite paradoxical since most of the time I have to switch off my emotions in order to do the job.
What I’ve learnt is that you live your memories everyday.
Every single day I am reminded of stories that happened months or even years ago. Sometimes they are good memories and sometimes they really hurt.
It makes me scared knowing that I’m leaving an environment which most of the time has been traumatic. I guess it can be called a type of Stockholm syndrome where you’re attracted to what really hurts you.
I’ve realized that with fear comes regret.
In my experience when I’m scared I regret all decisions made up until that point. When I decided to quit I was filled with regret. I hated myself for the decisions I made in high school and I hated myself for taking the seemingly easy option when I could literally have chosen to go into any direction.
I’ve recently realized that there was a reason I made those decisions. The universe decided that my pit-stop in journalism was merely a building block for something else. Not quite sure what is that something else yet but I’m sure it will reveal itself very soon.
There is no point in fretting about the future. I’m just going to take another cigarette and deal with that tomorrow.
What is there to lose hey?